


touch me deep, pure and true, give to me forever

by KayCeeCruz



Series: Love's Tender Refrain [5]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-28
Updated: 2011-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-26 15:24:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayCeeCruz/pseuds/KayCeeCruz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Excerpts of Brian and Justin's life.</p><p>This is a ten part series inspired by this meme I saw floating around. The gist of it was: put your iTunes on shuffle, and write a drabble based on each of the first ten songs that play. Don’t linger when the song is over, this is an exercise. Though this series ranges in length from drabblish to ficlet to not so ficlet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	touch me deep, pure and true, give to me forever

_Touch me deep, pure and true, give to me forever.  
(Kissing You - Des’ree)_

 

5.

 

It made him curious why Brian put up with him for so long. He wondered why he’d agreed to live with demands he’d never wanted. There were those moments were he was convinced he was hurting Brian by not letting him be who he wanted to be.

Those thoughts kept him awake some nights when his cold bed felt achingly empty and phantom fingers seemed to sweep over his skin as a remainder of all things he would rather not think about when he felt this way.

Sometimes it would be too much and when the phone rang, with that tone he knew so well and loved, he would turn away, shutting it from his mind. He knew if he picked up, he would begin to blabber into the phone, incoherent words between bouts of anger at himself. And in the end, they would fight and he would be left feeling ten times worse than when it started.

On the occasions that this happened, he would pull out of it rather quickly. There was no way to go more than a few days without actually speaking to Brian. It would end with the police at his door. Or his mother. Justin wasn’t sure which was worse. So to avoid those complications, he could usually manage a few words, indicating to Brian his state of mind.

And being Brian, he would give him space, communicating only by email until Justin was ready to talk again.

So, when the sudden black veil fell over him without warning, it didn’t occur to him to call and let someone know. It felt different than normal and it took him some time to realize why. Relieved and knowing better than to call Brian now, he trudged through his days, making a mental note to contact him soon. Between struggling to keep inspired and actually dragging himself out of bed, to earn real money to keep him in paints, it slipped his mind.

He just wanted to get through the work week and get to the part where he could be left alone.

When that long needed break happened and four blissfully free days fell into his lap, Justin crawled into bed, threw the covers over his head and forgot the world outside the warmth inside his cocoon. He felt at home there, the scent of Brian still lingered from his last visit and even though he knew that he should have them washed, he couldn’t part with that. Especially not now.

Unable to not doze off, he missed the frantic hourly calls to his silenced cell phone and the knocks at the door to his apartment from his landlady.

It was only when there was a lurch in his bed, sudden lump of warmth at his side that Justin managed to wake long enough to wonder what day it was. His stomach fell at the realization that he wasn’t alone. And then, he heard his voice, calm and flat, which was never a good sign. It still brought flutters to his chest and Justin smiled despite hearing the tone.

“I swear to whatever fucking God exists, Sunshine, if you’re not alive under those goddamn covers, I will fucking kill you.”

Justin wiggled a bit and heard the smallest shaky breath leave Brian.

“Good. Now I can kill you for being alive.”

Pushing the covers off, Justin turned to Brain, puffy eyes trying to adjust to the dim light coming through curtained windows. He sniffed loudly and holding one hand up, he turned his head to sneeze.

When he turned back, there was Brian trying to decide whether to douse him with disinfectant, kill him for not telling that he was sick, or fucking him into the mattress to make it all go away. Justin knew those three expressions fairly well.

He gave Brian a wobbly grin. “You worry too much, Kinney.”

“Little motherfucker.” Brian moved over him in one swift move and Justin stifled a relieved laugh.

“You’re going to get sick!”

One eyebrow raised at him.

It looked like option number three was going to win out.

 

###

 

Hours later, bedspread thrown haphazardly aside, limbs entangled, skin warmed by sweat and exertion and love, Justin trailed one finger slowly down Brian arms, mind whirring with something he wanted to ask. Here where he could see his face this time.

“Why do you put up with me?”

Brian snorted, letting one arm fall over his eyes as he did. “Beats the fuck out of me.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, Brian.” He sighed, thinking of a question he’d wondered about forever.

“Remember the rules?”

Brian peeked one eye out and raised an eyebrow. “The rules?”

“Yes. The rules. The ones we made years ago.”

“We?”

Justin bit his lip. Touche. “Okay. The rules I made, Mr. Perfect Details.”

There was a long pause and then “I remember.”

“You’ve never broken them have you?”

Silence was the answer and Justin heard the no in it. His heart beat just a bit faster. He’d wanted to know and now he did.

“Why?”

Brian sighed, turning his head, catching Justin gaze and locking on it. “Do you really want to talk about this?”

“Yes.”

Rolling to his side, Brian brought one hand under his head, the other caressing Justin’s hair softly. “I’ll answer that if you tell me one thing.” He waited until Justin nodded, threading his fingers through blonde strands and gripping lightly. “Is this the shit that you think about when you have these -- fucking scary moments of yours?”

Justin looked away, naked truth in his face and he moved closer when Brian pulled him forward. “I wasn’t having a moment this time. Getting the flu is not the same thing.”

“Yeah this time you got the flu…but all those others times…why the fuck do you think about these things, Justin?

“Because I’ve fucked this up a lot of times, Brian.”

“Oh, right. Cause I’m a goddamn saint and had nothing to do with any of your decisions.”

“I didn’t say that. But I broke those rules. Every single one of them.”

“Of course you did. They weren’t for you.”

Justin blinked, pulling away slightly. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Brian smirked slightly. “You were eighteen fucking years old, Justin. Those rules were made to be broken by you.”

“And you knew that, did you?”

“Of course I did. I expected that.”

“Oh, well. Thanks for the vote of confidence that I could be honorable.”

Brian let loose a quiet growl of frustration. “See, this is why I don’t do this sharing shit. Never goes well.” Pulling Justin under him, Brian straddled the smaller body, putting pressure on Justin’s hands when he tried to move. “What is this about?”

“I don’t want you to be someone you aren’t.”

Brian’s head bowed, string of muttered curses letting loose. He took a deep breath. “We back on this again? My turning into someone else because I let myself actually love you?”

Justin felt the sting of tears because no matter how many times he heard Brian say those words, it always felt like the first time. He swallowed on the lump of emotion gathered in his throat. “It’s not about you. It’s about me.”

Brian loosened his hold. “What are you talking about?”

“I broke all those rules.”

“Justin, listen to me.”

“I’m listening, okay?”

“Good. That was years ago. It happened. It’s over. We’re here. What the fuck does it matter now?”

Justin knew that all along but he’d needed to see Brian’s face when he said it. Needed to know he wasn’t hiding some pain inside. Staring into darkening eyes, Justin knew that was the truth, and healed those pains he carried. “It doesn’t.”

“Then, why are you making yourself - and me - sick over it?”

Justin looked thoughtful for a moment before he answered. “Because I’m a fucking princess?”

Brian’s lips quirked. “More like the biggest fucking drama queen I know. And I include myself and Emmett in there.”

Justin smacked the nearest shoulder he could find and then grinned, large and free and loving.

Brian smiled back, rubbing their noses together. “What?”

“Just in case, you ever wondered, I haven’t broken the rules again.”

“I know.” Brian motioned to himself. “I’m fucking perfect. Why would you?”

Justin snorted. “Ah. There’s the egotistical bastard I love so much.”

“You know you can’t live without me, Sunshine.”

Justin’s smile radiated light and love and promises, hands entwining in Brian’s hair, tugging down to meet grinning lips. “Shut up and fuck me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback loved and appreciated. Leave here or at [LJ](http://freakykat.livejournal.com/155405.html?mode=reply#add_comment)


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